Yesterday i watched the movie ‘speak’ for the first time. It had been on my watchlist, because i think i saw it in a list of nonverbal or partially nonverbal main character movies.
Sometimes I go nonverbal. It used to happen way more when I was a kid. I wish that someone had explained it clearly to me that that was one of my issues, instead of not understanding why I could barely speak and everyone trying to force me to, including myself.
At the end of the movie I was obviously crying, because it’s a very sad movie. But also empowering at the end. It made me want to put everything I had in me into art again.
Today I went to my dads house, the house i grew up in. I cleaned one of the rooms, that he wants to turn into a home office. Made some dinner from some random things, which was only okay, but good enough. I broke a glass accidentally, and expected my body to throw something from the past at me, but it didn’t. It was okay. My dad removed the locks from my younger brother’s rooms he had lived in. It took me a long time to realise that telling people we had to lock up my brother because of his behavioural issues, sounds pretty abusive. I wanted to stay, watch the locks finally being removed, but the locks being put on flashed in front of me. I walked away. I’m glad theyre gone.
I’m back home now. Tomorrow is packing day, because i’m leaving on monday for a trip to belgium with some old school friends. I’m a little scared, tomorrow will be hectic, but now that it’s close I feel better. I trust i won’t relapse or do something else stupid that will make me unable to go. Now its just normal vacation panic.
Until next time,
Shay
